[Ladies and Gentlemen, Thank you for your Support]

I’ve passed.

….!

After re-loading the results page three times, I finally accepted that I’d passed my final CA module…. and it feels gooooooood!

Thank you to everyone!

Thank you for putting up with my absences in the past 20 odd months, my continuous whining and whinging…. my general…crap. Thank you for your encouragement during the month-long wait to the results.

Thank you for the congratulations, the hugs, the hi-five. A special thank you to those who, during work hours, were online for me to pester with this news and  stopped to congratulate me and share my elation.

—–

Now that another chapter has come to an end… what’s next?

[No, you're wrong]

I’m not strong…

I don’t want to be.

I just… want to be okay.

[Brick Wall]

A brick wall is exactly what I’ve been wanting to run myself into, constantly, for the past some months. Even more so in the past few weeks – now that I don’t have study to worry about and can fully concentrate on exactly how badly the team I’m running is going.

And sadly, it’s only going from bad to worse.

I still fail to comprehend how a young working professional finds it okay to turn around work, that should take no longer than 5 minutes, 2 or more weeks – and still get it wrong. I struggle to understand how someone can name correspondence from the same John three different ways, being – John, Jon and Joseph, and still give me a reason for doing so – he was thinking of his brother, Joseph, who had a similar surname as John – rather than just amending it and leaving it be. I quietly imagine throwing heavy objects on my desk at him when 4 requests – the latter 3 in bolded font – for a letter to be fax goes unheeded…

I dread getting work for review because I can feel the cynical side of me preparing to go over it with more scrutiny than it deserves. I find myself losing sense of where I stand.  I find myself searching for fault in every little illogical step taken, task completed and time charge – even when there is none or it is one to be expected. I also find myself becoming pettier and pettier complaining about it.

More importantly, I’m losing confidence in what I do.

I took up this role with some reluctance and after a lot of thought. But I wanted to move ahead and I thought the challenge would pull me out of the dreary days of last year. I thought I could handle it with a few late nights, a few meetings and … a lot optimism.

But it seems I couldn’t.

It started with my quiet fuming, to my manager’s not so subtle hints, to the partners pointed requests. And accumulated in his performance review of today.

I get to hear the outcome of it tomorrow.

[Blank]

I have no idea what to write.

All the little clever thoughts and musings that passed through my head while I was running around being ‘busy’ has done just that – pass through.

And now that I have time, I have nothing…

[Star Light, Star Bright]

「I wish upon a star tonight

I wish I may

I wish I might…」

I can’t remember the lyrics of a song I heard yesterday (or the name for that matter), but I can remember all those little songs and rhymes from my childhood. Is it because they were so repeatedly drummed into us that it’s like muscle reflexes after years of training? Is it because they’ve had more time to nest in my head … like… marinade seeping into the meat?

Maybe…its simply that, like most childhood whims, I like the naiveness of it. Rather than wallow in heart break melodies, I want to stare eagerly at the night sky, whisper the rhyme, make a wish…and believe it will come true.

Star light, star bright

I wish upon a star tonight

I wish I may

I wish I might…

Wake up each day with a smile

End each night with a laugh

[GD]

For the first time (becoming a year of many firsts) in too many years to count, I played, tonight, a full competitive game of netball!

I can probably tell you how many times I actually managed to touch the ball, but that’s not the point.

The point is, it felt pretty good.

I’ve never been competitive at sport, I know my limits and understand my talent does not lie in sports. But, I can see why some people do strive to win.

It also felt pretty good to finally move my butt of the office swivel chair, run around the court shadowing GA and shake the other team’s hands when the whistle blew. Then to come home, take a shower, relax and know I’ll sleep well tonight (when I eventually get to bed).

ttyGyan is on her way to getting fit! (maybe).

——

This blog is fast becoming a mundane account 0f my daily activities…. ^^;

[Saturday Night]

Saturday night. Home alone.

A bowl of grapes, a bag of Shrimp Flavoured Cracker left over from the week. An unopened block of Lindt dark chocolate purchased on a late night grocery shopping trip.

“The Holiday” starring Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz on high definition TV. Blogging on my Toshiba Dynabook. On the couch, under a red flannel blanket with bears in a blue jumper.

No work. No study. No guilt.

Fantastic.

Unstable wireless internet. Not so fantastic.

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to sit and “veg”.  I’d almost forgotten what its like to do ‘nothing’ – and more importantly, not think about what I should be doing – for a night. It’s almost as good as a holiday away.

Some years ago, I could not imagine having a night in would be so hard to come by. Studies aside, I would still spend the majority of my time at home, curled up in front of the TV or with another  dog-eared book from the library and when the world wide web graced us, with my not-so-trusty VAIO. Today I have no idea what movies are out, what the weekly television program is, and the last novel I bought was in March and I’m still only half way through.

When did life get so busy that I had to plan time for myself?

I don’t dislike being busy. Life is busy. Busy, is good.

But let’s not forget those Saturday nights in.

I’d almost forgotten how its like to do ‘nothing’ and have nothing on your mind.I’d almost forgotten how its like to do ‘nothing’ and have nothing on your mind.

[First Time for Everything]

Time now is 1.59AM.
2hour 4minutes passed the project deadline.
The first time I’ve called it so close to the deadline.
Also the first time I haven’t been able to meet all the project requirements – specifically, to keep within the word limit, which means part of my project will not even be read.

Interestingly, also the first time I was so scared that I would not make that deadline that I started shaking 5 minutes before the deadline … and continued shaking for the 30 minutes following my frantic tapping of the “Submit” key.

My final major project, possibly the last (dare I say) of my academic lifetime and it may be the first time I will receive a ‘No Pass’.

To the very last subject, I didn’t learn… to start the stupid thing earlier.

[Final moments]

Less than 22 hours to deadline.
The final project.
Having just narrowly passed the previous module, having promised myself not to push my luck, to tempt the deadline, here I am ….  drinking my second coffee in less than 18 hours.

My second coffee, my second breakfast – maybe starting the daily routine again, even without the sleep to separate the days, will be enough fool my body -  and my second (or maybe its the third, fourth….) round of begging my body to stay awake long enough for me to jump this final hurdle, coaxing it with a promise (or perhaps a threat) that it will never have to miss another night of restless sleep if I can just … pass.

Just one last time.

[Mum! I'm going to join the circus!]

Okay, not really.

But I did thoroughly enjoyed the spectular that is  Dralion tonight.

The elaborate costumes, the touching music, the small yet beautiful stage/set wittingly crafted by those we’ll never meet and the artists. The amazing  artists…

Watched in awe and left with a smile.

Thank you Cirque de Soleil.