[Dear Blog]

I’m sorry.

I don’t mean to neglect you.

I haven’t forgotten about you.

I think about you all the time.

But I’ve been busy lately…and tired.

Please understand.

I promise I’ll spend more time with you… once things die down.

I promise.

[The Best of Both Worlds]

Skipped  to Knox today to watch “Red Cliff” (some would say I floated).

「赤壁」 A Chinese film, originally in two parts, depicting the historical battle of Red Cliff.

Being the only Chinese there, I felt some obligation to be the one to ask my friends how it was at the end and I listened with some inner pride that they did, in fact, find it enjoyable.

I also listened, with amusement, to the guy next to me as he laughed and commented on scenes that I had grown up with – still amazing of course, but not exactly wow-provoking. I also read, with slight dissatisfaction, at some of the subtitle translation. That however, was not unexpected.

I realised as I took in my neighbour’s reaction that not everyone had grown up movies that didnt come out of ‘Hollywood’…

Never one to bother with imposing ‘my’ culture on other people, when I got home I found myself rummaging through our shelves for old Hong Kong movies on VCDs (yes, those ancient things) and DVDs for my friends.

I wanted others to watch them too.

—–

Growing up, I disliked being a Chinese living in Australia.

I looked Chinese, I certainly grew up with Chinese values – as handed down from my parents. But, I was surrounded by Western culture – and just as I picked up their language, I picked up their ways.

And so, I was always a foreigner.

Both in Australia, and in Hong Kong.

I was continuously looking for a place to be, to belong.

I kept the two worlds apart. But I belonged in neither.

It wasn’t until I understood that both were my worlds – and that together they made me, me – that I became comfortable with sitting in the middle.

Now I understand (and appreicate): Growing up the way I did actually gave me the biggest advantage I may ever have in life- Access to more than one set of movies, music, foods. Insight into more than one country, culture, mindset, value and habit. Pride in what each world has to offer the other. Satisfaction that I am part of both.

….And the ability to pick and choose the best parts from both. To make my own world.

[Ladies and Gentlemen, Thank you for your Support]

I’ve passed.

….!

After re-loading the results page three times, I finally accepted that I’d passed my final CA module…. and it feels gooooooood!

Thank you to everyone!

Thank you for putting up with my absences in the past 20 odd months, my continuous whining and whinging…. my general…crap. Thank you for your encouragement during the month-long wait to the results.

Thank you for the congratulations, the hugs, the hi-five. A special thank you to those who, during work hours, were online for me to pester with this news and  stopped to congratulate me and share my elation.

—–

Now that another chapter has come to an end… what’s next?

[No, you're wrong]

I’m not strong…

I don’t want to be.

I just… want to be okay.

[Brick Wall]

A brick wall is exactly what I’ve been wanting to run myself into, constantly, for the past some months. Even more so in the past few weeks – now that I don’t have study to worry about and can fully concentrate on exactly how badly the team I’m running is going.

And sadly, it’s only going from bad to worse.

I still fail to comprehend how a young working professional finds it okay to turn around work, that should take no longer than 5 minutes, 2 or more weeks – and still get it wrong. I struggle to understand how someone can name correspondence from the same John three different ways, being – John, Jon and Joseph, and still give me a reason for doing so – he was thinking of his brother, Joseph, who had a similar surname as John – rather than just amending it and leaving it be. I quietly imagine throwing heavy objects on my desk at him when 4 requests – the latter 3 in bolded font – for a letter to be fax goes unheeded…

I dread getting work for review because I can feel the cynical side of me preparing to go over it with more scrutiny than it deserves. I find myself losing sense of where I stand.  I find myself searching for fault in every little illogical step taken, task completed and time charge – even when there is none or it is one to be expected. I also find myself becoming pettier and pettier complaining about it.

More importantly, I’m losing confidence in what I do.

I took up this role with some reluctance and after a lot of thought. But I wanted to move ahead and I thought the challenge would pull me out of the dreary days of last year. I thought I could handle it with a few late nights, a few meetings and … a lot optimism.

But it seems I couldn’t.

It started with my quiet fuming, to my manager’s not so subtle hints, to the partners pointed requests. And accumulated in his performance review of today.

I get to hear the outcome of it tomorrow.

[Blank]

I have no idea what to write.

All the little clever thoughts and musings that passed through my head while I was running around being ‘busy’ has done just that – pass through.

And now that I have time, I have nothing…

[Star Light, Star Bright]

「I wish upon a star tonight

I wish I may

I wish I might…」

I can’t remember the lyrics of a song I heard yesterday (or the name for that matter), but I can remember all those little songs and rhymes from my childhood. Is it because they were so repeatedly drummed into us that it’s like muscle reflexes after years of training? Is it because they’ve had more time to nest in my head … like… marinade seeping into the meat?

Maybe…its simply that, like most childhood whims, I like the naiveness of it. Rather than wallow in heart break melodies, I want to stare eagerly at the night sky, whisper the rhyme, make a wish…and believe it will come true.

Star light, star bright

I wish upon a star tonight

I wish I may

I wish I might…

Wake up each day with a smile

End each night with a laugh